Flash Fiction Friday: Oct 17, 2014

Congratulations on the purchase of your new Samsung by GE™ Instant-Cook Oven™! We hope you’ll agree it’s the best way to prepare hot, healthy meals for you and your family! Please remember us when replacing your unit after its beta-decay period of 6 months is up!

Remember, the most up-to-date version of this manual is available as a video at: youllneverreadthis.com. We’ve included this printed copy for those of you who have slow internet connections, live in the Continental US, or were raised in a text-based household.

WARNING: Do not stick your head in the Instant-Cook Oven™ during the winter to keep warm. It won’t lower your energy bills, but it WILL give you a terminal headache!

Your Instant-Cook Oven™ comes with a plethora of features designed to make cooking easier than ever!

For example, to cook a perfect turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, simply:

  • Press POWER to turn the Instant-Cook Oven™ on
  • Press DOWNLOAD to start the recipe selection process
  • Use the Ultra-Sensitive Keypad™ arrows to navigate through the recipes and choose the one you like best
  • When you've found a recipe, press SELECT to select it
  • Hit YES to confirm the download
  • Scroll through the Terms of Service and Licensing info for the recipe you've selected (read carefully! some recipes have unverified nutritional information) and hit YES to accept
  • Wait for the download to complete, then hit INSTALL to save it to the Instant-Cook Oven™'s recipe book (myRecipes™)
  • Hit MENU to go back to the main menu, then hit RECIPES to find the new recipe in myRecipes™
  • Use the Ultra-Sensitive Keypad™ arrows to select the recipe you downloaded, then hit SELECT
  • Hit YES to confirm your selection
  • Press COOK. Use the Ultra-Sensitive Keypad™ to enter the number of guests, their religio-ethnic background, current Vegan status, and country of citizenship. You may use the GuestBook™ (see page 1,337) to select from previous guests, so you don't have to enter their information again.
  • Have each guest complete a retinal scan to confirm identity, and verbally accept the recipe's Terms of Service and Licensing Agreement. If your guests have not yet arrived, you may send a TastyInvite™ (see page 442) to them so they can confirm and accept at their convenience.
  • Once all your guests have confirmed, you're ready to COOK!
  • Open the Raw hatch (see page 921) on your Instant Cook Oven™ and check your Corn Pellet level. It should be above the Minimum Level Bar (see page 145) to continue. WARNING: cooking a recipe without adequate Corn Pellets can result in fire.
  • Close the Raw hatch, and press COOK
  • Press YES to confirm cooking
  • Wait for the ChowAlarm™ to sound, letting you know your food is ready!
Ron Toland @mindbat